My apologies to everyone, especially Lerr

[Hazzam]

While reading The Onion after raid last night, I was struck with inspiration (or maybe it was perspiration). Anyway, I bastardized this article in honor of Lerr's illness.


Server Descends Into Chaos As Throat Infection Throws Off Lerrielin's Cadence

Cenarion Circle—Looting, fires, and mass rioting swept across the realm today when a mild throat infection threw off Guild Leader Lerrielin's normally reassuring and confident speech cadence, sources in every major city reported.

"My fellow [cough] raiders, please [cough] remain calm," Lerr said during a universally broadcast emergency vent address to the server that caused the average Auction House prices to rise 10% with every cough, sniffle, or wheeze. "Now is not the time for [cough]…everything's [cough]. Stop it."

Without the raid leader's fluid, almost poetic tone to reassure them, the people of Cenarion Circle have abandoned all semblance of law and order and descended into a serverwide panic, raiding lowbie cities, killing off auctioneers, and corpse camping flight masters.

"Run for your lives! Lerr Bear no longer has a masterful yet unpretentious command of the English language!" citizens from to coast were heard to cry as they abandoned their quests, raids, and guilds to forage in the LFG channel for their very survival. "Without Lerr's ability to turn even the most dire news into an uplifting and irresistibly quotable rhetorical gem, we'll never make it. All is lost! Nothing awaits now but utter darkness."

Breaking reports now indicate that, in the absence of Lerr's soothing eloquence, as many as 85 percent of Warcraftier's vacated their server to seek a different guild, or logged out of WoW and barricaded themselves in RL underground bunkers armed with shotguns and old FRAPS of pervious raids in hopes of riding out the crisis until Lerr's oratorical prowess returns.

"Her reassuring but firm cadence has abandoned us!" former Hunter Frelian shouted at the top of his lungs over Vent. "How will we weather the financial slump, escalating tensions with FoE, Ulduar hardmoes, and our deteriorating raid attendance if Lerr can't make the raid chuckle with her pithy and endearing turns of phrase?"

Statements echoing Frelian's have been heard across hundreds of realms, as players grapple with the loss of Lerr's calming verbiage. Many say they fear that without Lerr's strong, yet compassionate, vocal cadence, the entire raiding community will crumble into dust—leaving only the ashy remains of a once powerful Blizzard empire.

Although Lerr's healers have attempted to reassure the guild by claiming the apocalyptic throat infection should clear up in three to five days, many experts agree that any recovery will come too late.

"By that time, the damage will be done," said Warrior Sproquette, who was himself preparing to flee to the comparative stability of Turalyon when reached by reporters for comment. "It may be weeks before the AH market recovers, if it ever does, and all indications suggest that the Dalaran is now an uninhabitable wasteland, abandoned by law enforcement and unwatched by God Himself."

"How could we have allowed ourselves to get to this point?" he continued. "Tyrilian should have given her vitamin C or a lozenge or something. Some hot tea. Perhaps future historians, as they piece together the ruins of our server, will be able to figure out how such a vile fate could have been avoided."

What personnel remain in Warcraftier estimated this afternoon that only 15 percent of the server remains under Alliance control. The rest are reportedly roaming the countryside in armed bands, looting and pillaging as they go. Those senior raiders still reporting for duty have barricaded themselves inside Iron Forge, where they have gradually succumbed to infighting as the chain of command grows more and more ambiguous.

"How are we to find hope without Lerr's liquid tenor to distract us?" ousted guild officer Durigen asked. "I can't go back to the way it was a year ago. I'd rather die than go back into Karazhan."

As the crisis worsens, attempts to replace Lerr's soothing eloquence with an equally authoritative and reassuring vocal presence continue. Rogue Tyrilian, celebrated for his raid leading abilities in Molten Core and BWL, put forth a heroic effort, but was unable to quell the unprecedented civil unrest. Faydra, star of the forums, was also slated to make a speech, but is now missing and presumed dead.

Warcraftier officials have admitted that their early attempt to temporarily placate the server with a forum post by Tyrilian was a disastrous lapse in judgment, after Tyrilian's numerous gaffes resulted in the dissolution of Warcraftier and the destruction Stormwind.

[Faydra]

LOL!


I'm not dead, I'm suffering from a prolongued squawk.